In Buddhist practice, near and far enemies are qualities or states which impede the divine qualities of the heart. Far enemies are a simply the opposite of each divine quality. Near enemies are a little tricker. While they appear similar to the divine qualities, they actually work to undermine them and drive disconnection.
Here are the four divine qualities of the heart and their near and far enemies.
| Quality | Near Enemy | Far Enemy |
|---|---|---|
| Equanimity (calm acceptance) | Indifference | Hatred |
| Loving Kindness (good will to all) | Self-focused sentimentality | Ill Will |
| Compassion (holding others’ suffering with tenderness) | Pity | Cruelty |
| Appreciative Joy (feeling joyful for others’ good fortune) | Feigned (hypocritical) joy | Jealousy |
If near enemies are hard to wrap your head around, try and recall a time someone offered you pity instead of genuine compassion for your struggles. There is a marked difference in how the two present and feel. One emphasises connection, while the undermines that connection.
This distinction has become apparent to me in a very profound way recently, as I grieved the loss of a complex relationship. After reading Jack Kornfield’s words on the near enemy of love, I have been able to reframe that particular relationship, which has afforded me a great deal of peace.
The near enemy of love is attachment. Attachment masquerades as love. It says, “I will love this person (because I need something from them).” Or, “I’ll love you if you’ll love me back. I’ll love you, but only if you will be the way I want.” This isn’t the fullness of love. Instead there is attachment—there is clinging and fear. True love allows, honors, and appreciates; attachment grasps, demands, needs, and aims to possess.
Jack Kornfield
Brené Brown takes this several steps further, by offering a model of meaningful connection and the ways in which we fall short. I know I have demonstrated all of these states – from the wholehearted skill right through to each near and far enemy. But even though all of these qualities feel familiar to us, we may not understand their results. This model gives us a very clear link to how the enemy qualities (the near ones in particular) serve to undermine meaningful connection to self and others.
And of course when we fall short (which we inevitably will) hopefully we can offer ourselves some compassion for our missteps.
A Grounded Theory on Cultivating Meaningful Connection in Three Skillsets – Dr Brené Brown
| Skillset 1 | Near Enemies | Far Enemies |
|---|---|---|
| Developing grounded confidence | Knowing and proving | Protecting fragile self-worth |
| Knowing and applying the language of human experience and emotion | Shaping emotion and experience to fit what we know | Shutting down, acting out or giving up |
| Practicing courage | Not owning our hurt, pain and fear – ‘everything is fine’ | Choosing armour or comfort over courage |
| Rumbling with vulnerability | Performative vulnerability or avoiding it altogether | Shutting down, acting out or giving up |
| Staying curious | Challenging and criticising more than exploring and contributing | Showing indifference, disinterest or defensiveness |
| Practicing humility | Confusing modesty and insecurity with humility | Hustling and hubris |
| Committing to mastery and practice | Self-protecting with perfectionism | Getting stuck in fear and shame |
| Feeling embodied and connected to self | Thinking and acting our emotions without feeling them | Feeling disembodied and disconnected from ourselves |
| Skillset 2 | Near Enemies | Far Enemies |
|---|---|---|
| Practicing the courage to walk alongside | Controlling the path | Walking away |
| Knowing and applying the language of human experience and emotion | Shaping emotion and experience to fit what we know | Shutting down, acting out or giving up |
| Committing to be other-focussed | Performing concern while trying to control or distance | Defaulting to self-protection or self-focus |
| Practicing compassion | Showing pity and comparing suffering | Cruelty and/or creating distance, separation, disconnection, and treating others like they’re invisible |
| Practicing empathy | Defaulting to sympathy and other empathy misses | Creating distance, separation, disconnection, and treating others like they’re invisible |
| Practicing non-judgement | Performing non-judgement, but judging, comparing, blaming and distancing | Judging |
| Sharing ‘power with’ others and ‘power to’ others | ‘Helping’ by trying to control people, perceptions or outcomes | Leveraging power over others |
| Being relational | Being transactional, connecting for gain, fitting in or control | Disengaging and disconnecting |
| Setting and respecting boundaries | Becoming enmeshed (attachment) | Creating distance |
| Skillset 3 | Near Enemies | Far Enemies |
|---|---|---|
| Practicing story stewardship | Performing connection while driving disconnection | Not valuing story, damaging trust and self-trust |
| Knowing and applying the language of human experience and emotion | Shaping emotion and experience to fit what we know | Shutting down, acting out or giving up |
| Rumbling with story – listening, discovering and staying curious | Creating separation by knowing, advice-giving and problem-solving | Showing indifference, disinterest, dismissing or diminishing |
| Building narrative trust – believing, acknowledging and affirming | Disconnection through narrative takeover or tap-out (including performative affirmation) | Fuelling narrative distrust, diminishing the humanity of others and ourselves |
Photo credit: AMR Image
Sources: Brené Brown, Atlas of the Heart, 2021
Jack Kornfield, Love vs Attachment, 2018
Namchak, Understanding the Four Immeasurables and Their Near and Far Enemies
This One Too 