Emotional safety and boundaries

The human brain experiences unmet emotional needs in the same way it experiences unmet physical needs – with a rising sense of panic that our very safety is threatened. Evolutionarily speaking this makes sense; unmet emotional needs signal our separation from others, which is a huge threat to our ability to survive a hostile physical environment.

Unfortunately, despite our brain being quite clever, in times of distress it can’t distinguish between serious and non-serious threats. During these times it really is only as clever as its most rudimentary parts. Therefore, even though on some level we know it’s not wise, our responses generally oscillate between doubling-down on getting those emotional needs met (similar to a fight response) or withdrawing (similar to a flight response).

This is very relevant for me personally, as this year has seen some of my emotional safety needs compromised at times, reminding me of some serious breaches of trust in my past. This has peaked in the last few days, prompting me to reflect on my behaviour (both fight and flight) and the unmet needs that lie behind it.

Brené Brown’s research into shame-resilience has found the most compassionate people are those with firm boundaries (i.e. non-negotiable lines for what is or isn’t acceptable), suggesting that relational conflict can stem not just from others’ behaviour, but also our own unboundaried response to it.

For those of us who struggle with setting healthy boundaries, it’s easy to fall into a trap at this point. We may psych ourselves up with our newfound boundaries in the hope of meeting those reasonable emotional needs….Annnnnnd then we use those boundaries to influence others’ behaviour to meet our needs (otherwise known as manipulation), rather than protecting the needs of both parties.

Obviously assuming the worst about people’s intentions toward us and/or overriding their own boundaries can lead to disconnection; ensuring our emotional needs remain unmet. Not only are we back where we started, but now we have some handy subjective evidence to convince us that people aren’t respecting us no matter how hard we try. Hopefully with some insight, we can see we were simply applying reasonable boundaries incorrectly.

So how does one actually apply a healthy boundary? Brown describes boundary-setting using the acronym BIG.

B – what boundaries should be in place so that I can stay in my…

I – …integrity in order to make the most…

G – …generous assumptions about others

Essentially, this means communicating needs clearly, while accepting others may not always be able to meet them. Understanding that the last part, in and of itself, is not always a sign of disrespect is how we maintain integrity in our own behaviour.

This was important for me to reflect on as I navigate some new opportunities. It’s on me to find reasonable boundaries that align with my values, and also recognise others’ right to do the same.

Photo credit: Melita Caulfield