In 2017, I was lucky enough to attend the first mindful self-compassion (MSC) teacher training in Australia. During the course, MSC pioneer Chris Germer explained that shame stems from our most innocent of needs; the need to be loved and accepted.
I’m not the first to note the irony, that the most innocent, universal and natural connection needs can also be the most alienating, confusing and painful.
Case in point: I have a deep need to be seen and to connect meaningfully to others. Yet, despite these being decidedly reasonable human needs, I have felt shame around them. They have often been misrepresented (by me), misunderstood (by others) and even wilfully exploited. All of these mishaps have left me feeling exposed, which is a fundamentally different experience to that of being seen.
This exposure set the scene for shame by amplifying my separateness. But shame only manifest when I interpreted others’ inability or unwillingness to meet my connection needs as inherent unworthiness on my part. The myth is that if I am worthy, then others will work hard to meet my needs. Ergo, if my needs remained unmet, then I must not have been worthy of having needs at all, let alone having them fulfilled.
We develop this understanding from a very young age, when internalising our own defectiveness was the best way for us to make sense of how our earliest caregivers behaved. A child wholly dependent on others has no choice but to interpret a caregiver’s anger or disappointment as a sign of their own wrongness. The alternative (realising our caregivers are fallible) is to realise that we are not truly safe; something that is unthinkable at such a tender age.
I am working hard to reduce my sense of shame around my connection needs, most especially when others are unable to meet them. In truth, I can no longer afford to continue with the status quo. Taking others’ actions (or inactions) personally has led me to grasp for connection in passive aggressive or even aggressive ways, which really is a no-win situation.
But things are shifting. I recently reached out to someone with a bid for connection, and have felt completely at peace with there being no response. Why? Because I combined my needs + my values + my/their boundaries, and I did this from a position of wholehearted equanimity, without expecting anything in return. I hope it does yield something good. But I know I will be ok if it doesn’t.
It is freeing to realise there’s no shame in my need to connect with people, but there’s also no shame if they don’t need to connect with me.
Photo credit: Melita Caulfield
Love To Be Loved – Peter Gabriel